ok. since i haven't posted any during the last don't know how many
days, i shall fill this post will hell lots of things,probably. haha. i'm just
too lazy to blog anymore, so probably once in a while i'll do it. this
prevents me to keep myself being so emotional. however, as the post
continues, i'll become emotional again,eventually. So... if you don't want
to be engulfed by my emotional powers, please do not continue to read
this post. And of course, you can try joining the emotional forces.
Hereby, i announced the beginning of the actual, boring, emotional post
of mine...

Back there, during the holidays, i was struck by something emotional.
And of course, if you are reading this, you'd have know what i was
referring to, unless you're nuts. Empty nuts i mean, not stupid definitely,
not dumb, not smart either. okay, let's see what a nut could mean.
since it's an empty nut, it means that the 'food' or whatever it is called
has been exposed to the surroundings. This gives rise of the people who
are so sociable, and people who underwent various situations where he
or she himself/herself had to solve. Unlike me, probably a nut too, have
not been exposed to these. i had never open my heart to anyone.
Maybe i did before, but those were probably due to cracks on my nut.

Who has ever truly seen the true self of me? Who has ever managed to
decipher what was in my mind? Who has ever understand how i really
feel? Who has really made known to what i actually desired for? Who
has ever believed in me totally that there was a hundred percent trust?
Who has really taken me as his or her friend? Who has ever wondered
why i am always so quiet? Who has ever made me feel that i'm not
lonely?

What's courage? What's knowledge? What's love? What's hope? What's
friendship? What's reliability? What's sincerity? What's light?

Have i been important to anyone? i feel myself unnecessary in every
place i go. i don't see any shadows of my own. i don't belong to where i
am now. i could only stay in the dark, the deepest depth where you
have to search for in your heart. Did anyone really searched their heart
to realise what he or she is actually feeling? You won't know the answer
unless you try.

Back to main 'story', school has reopened and holidays are over. it's
already a week ever since students started going back school to receive
knowledge. Ordinary level is just round the corner although you can't
see it hiding in the corner. there! it's there you blind bats! Well, the orals
for English and Mother tongue are just a few days ahead. And soon it
will be prelimary examinations, followed by ordinary level.

It will be a different day everyday. There will always be a Tomorrow.
Yesterday's tomorrow is today. The day before yesterday 's tomorrow is
yesterday. The day after tomorrow is tomorrow's tomorrow. Even
though there is a tomorrow everyday, but have you realised that if you
don't appreciate your life now, there may be no tomorrow for you. And
of course, appreciate what's in front of you, whats around you... Don't
be like me who is a pessimist who's waiting for someday when i'll be
killed. i think that i'm going quite off topic. But, actually, there isn't a
topic to start with. From the start of this post, i have been trying to
lengthen the number of words i wrote, and it's quite successful.

to end this off, one advice. Go BE a NUT. nut means a whimsically eccentric person. (although there are a few other meanings of nut)i've been wasting quite a long time, but i'm still trying to lengthen this post.

i shall finally end off with a riddle. it goes like this:

the richest man lacks me

the poorest man has me

if you eat me,

you are certain to perish.

What am i?

666

think hard.

i suck

the first time happened in secondary two. at that time, life was easy-going, even though it was streaming year. i was myself. as usual. my heart was stolen. pieces of my heart were given away. i tried to give in my best. for her sake. maybe i did not do enough, or maybe i was too childish. the time came when i knew that i could not make it. i was facing it, the words of rejection. it was my very first time. at that very moment, tears welled in my eyes, they trickled down my cheeks as the past memories flashed past. i finally realised i hate these kind of situation. but there was nothing that i could do, to stop my tears, to start afresh.

time flies and i am now in secondary four, i understand myself. so quiet so active so stupid so useless so hopeless so ugly. these are all about myself. there was a time, when i came across this thought: who's actually in my mind? perhaps i said wrong, this question was repeated again and again but the answer was not clear. until then, i made up my mind. the person could only be her. the one and only her. she was not the first her but the second her. my heart flipped. i know how nice she is, how sweet she is, she is so nice to me. perhaps i was thinking too much. with my character, no matter how much i've put in, the result will be the same. i was giving my best, the source of my life. i had never think of giving it up. perhaps it was god's will, to bring us together, and to separate us. No. i am wrong. we were not brought together. it was just me, being too engrossed in it, didn't realise that it was one-sided..

i can feel the sourish feelings. Give me a break. knowing the result of my actions, i insisted on trying. Now, it has been proven. my heart. pieces of my heart. found scattered around. now the source of my life was gone, i don't think there is any need to continue. i feel superbly tired now. my efforts didn't pay off. it was recorded in my history, the end of this 'relation'.

If it's the destiny between us, then there's nothing i can do.

If it's your wish for us to be separated, then i shall grant your wish.

这是我自作多情的结果。

这是上天注定的，这是您的愿望。

i'll let go.

you're freed

i felt terrible

you felt only apologetic.

i'm sorry

i've lost.

my dark side is too overpowering.

without it being subdued,

i can never do it.