Wednesday, April 25, 2007
its not the first time i had this feeling. i felt so so so deeply disturbed. The hidden soul beneath me is troubled. i don't know exactly how to describe this feeling of mine, but it's really quite troublesome. the sourish feeling i felt in my heart. the hurt i received the moment u said the word. it's not like usual, where i can keep it deep in my heart, where i can stop thinking about it, where i can hide it as long as i could. now, the strong hurt i felt, is unbearable. i thot i could face it with courage, but the moment it slapped right on my face, i was totally dumbstruck, as though i was caught unprepared.
the glacial moments, when cold sweat tickled down my cheeks, i can feel the bad feeling that is pouring towards me, into my heart. i couldn't believe myself suffering this once again. the previous one was like only a few days ago. i just managed to got over with it, as she was just too hard for me to be angry at, to be sad at. however, she made me suffer from downcast again. i only merely asked her a question, she rejected it immediately, without hesitation, without consideration. How long have we known each other? How long have we been believeing in each other? Maybe our connections are not properly linked. excuses are given. But how durable can the excuses be? Just 4 words "i dont trust you" is enough to break the entire rope. the one that has always been tied around us, it's already worn, anymore resistance could break it. would u bear to break it, after so much i've done for you and so much you've done for me?
'i'm sorry' does apology really solve problems? i looked at things very differently. i supposed people who knows me well, will know that i'm actually quite a quiet person, who always look on the dark side of life. Disparaging myself, has became a job since i entered this world. Maybe, a professional if possible. This is no joke, this is no laughing matters. i'm quite serious about how the world looked upon me, how everyone comments about me. i,myself, always gives negative comments about myself. just because i always believe that i'm not the suitable person to suit that kind of description. how am i supposed to disagree that i'm ugly? how am i supposed to admit that my studies suck to the max? how can i ever compare myself in any way, to people who are so good in all these? inferiority has overwhelmed me. And i supposed i have to admit to the fate that i don't like to study, don't like to do troublesome thing, don't like to be too sociable with people, don't like to have positive comments on myself, etc. Is it true that 'girls like to study'? thats what someone told me. And my answer is definitely no. who would want to study? Maybe study for knowledge without any important exams is still feasible, but for your future, you have to study like some mad dog like the coming Os or the future As or whatever exams, is just too overpowering. Those who really study one, like what i replied to this person, they had probably accepted their fate, unlike me, who is now a pessimist, and always a pessimist, does not accept this fate of mine. Sometimes, it is going too hard on me that, i'm forced to give up under certain circumstances. So to accept what is right in front of me, is still my choice. And to like somebody and just that somebody, that has to appear in my eyes, in my memories, is just... incredible. Now, will you be able to feel my lonliness from this short essay? the darkness within me that is hidden for quite some time? this is probably not enough to even feed any examiners hunger. Determinations? Perseveration? Not just myself living in this solitude world of myself, my life is just filled with ups and downs, or probably special cases, lefts and rights, insides and outsides. lol? the lonesomeness , filled with agony, filled with downcast, filled with hatred, filled with happiness, filled with distress, filled with anxiety, filled with whatsoever feelings, have already possessed upon my entire soul.
What crappy english i've got. Am i like preparing for the coming exam or something? What in the world am i doing? In the past, i had never tried to use English words as profusely like now. Although, it's not really that great, but i've already tried. Today i learnt some new phrases. well, i wonder if they are usable in exam... With determination glinting in my eyes, i promised to try my best to get a b4 for english for Os. 'will i be able to achieve that? sighed myself heavily, feeling my heart sink. (did i used corrrectly?) lols. Minutes seemed like hours when i wrote this 'essay'. Oh my tian... what is wrong with me. hais.
today, a few more phrases learnt. haha. how should i put them together? hais. forget it. i shall just throw myself into the tormented world of solitude, and keep myself being isolated and ignored. i've got a question for all, hu can tell me wad is ' broke a camel's back with a newfound vengence'? ok, the whole sentence is like this : "Snatching away her chocolate was the last straw that broke the ...." anyone got an answer? xD ^^ =D =) tatA~